Lighten Up by Tim Alan Gardner

It’s an adage, saying, proverb, platitude … whatever you want to call it, we’ve all heard it:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!

Okay, that probably should be true when it comes to strangers, very casual acquaintances, and even most of those idiots that used to run free on the playground when we were kids. We should be emotionally mature enough to not let every errant, ignorant word that flows from the lips of others to harm us or allow them to get us angry.

But in marriage???

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Words can hurt; and they can hurt a lot!

In the past week alone, I have spent time with three different husbands whose marriages are on the proverbial rocks because they can’t keep their mouths shut.  From threats of divorce to “you’re just like your mother…” to “I can’t believe you’re so stupid…” to name-calling I will not reprint here, years of hurtful words have finally taken their toll and their wives have had it.  Oh, it certainly goes the other way with wives verbally beating the life out of their husbands, but my recent encounters have been with the husbands.  And, of course, now that their mate is threatening to leave, apologies and regrets abound.

One simple truth of relationships is that “hurt people, hurt people.”  When a person we care about does or does not do something we did or did not want them to do and we feel rejected, unloved, or “hurt” by that experience, a common yet useless reaction is to say something — anything — to hurt them back.  The longer we are married, the more expert we become at knowing which words will hurt our mates the most.  And if our desire was to hurt them, then, yee-haa, we’ve accomplished our objective.

The problem, of course, is that over time, the wounds from those words grow larger and more severe.  And often, when it comes to marriages, those “offenses” that cause us to  vomit malicious words all over our spouse are usually something that we interpreted as them “not loving us.”  Which, in my experience, is not usually true.  They may not want to have sex simply because they do not want to have sex, not because they don’t love their mate.  But the words of punishment often result in what was felt and feared in the first place — the hurtful words can cause their love diminish after all.

People don’t fall out of love … we normally beat it out of each other with our mouths.

So, my friends… lighten up.  If you want your love to grow, put a reign on those lips.  My sound, professional, been-doing-this-for-20-years advice is that when it comes to saying words that hurt our mates…Stop it.  Simply, stop it.

In marriage, words themselves can be sticks and stones; but they can also bring love and healing.

Your choice.

“Rich folks” have been known to say, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor; rich is better.”

I agree…as long as we know what “rich” means.

The Apostle Paul said, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor; and I’ve learned that I can be content no matter how much or how little money or stuff I have” (my paraphrase).  The content person knows that, “I won’t be any happier or more fulfilled whether I have more stuff or less stuff, whether I have much money or little money.  I am content because of Christ.”

Yet there don’t seem to be too many of those folks around who believe they can be happy with what they have; they always think happiness is just “a little bit more.”

Not surprisingly, money is still the number one fight starter in marriage.  It is not the main reason folks get divorced; that is a very commonly held cultural myth.  Money is the main issue that starts marital arguments, but the breakup comes because of how they treat each other while they are fighting about money.

And lately I have been talking to many folks who have put these two thoughts together:  they fight daily about money and they both think they would somehow be happier and get along better if they just made more money.   It doesn’t matter if they’re making $50,000 or $500,000, they just want a little bit more.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a $10 item, a $100 item, or a $100,000 item, they don’t think they should have to talk to their spouse before spending the money.  And, of course, it doesn’t even matter whether or not they can afford it; they just want it.  It doesn’t matter, in short, that they have a mate that they’ve promised to love and cherish, they want to spend and buy want they want, when they want, and how they want, even as it takes them all the way to divorce court.

Does money matter?  Sure.  But do you know what matters more than money to your overall physical and emotional health?  It’s your marriage.  And do you know that research has continually demonstrated that “just a little more money” is not the key to your marital or individual happiness?  Instead, it’s more love.  It’s learning to manage money and love your spouse.

It’s learning to realize that I have everything I need in Christ.  It’s learning that I need to take myself less seriously and take God and my marriage more seriously.  It’s knowing that a little bit more stuff is not the key, but a little bit more love.   It’s choosing the only path to true happiness.

It’s learning to be content with what you have.

It’s learning to lighten up.